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Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Friday, April 15, 2016
April 2016 update being honest with my wife and becoming a better man
I haven't posted anything in a while so I figured I would post an update. Still no orgasm.
I have been working on some other self improvement items which I'll describe a little more below. But that lead me to stop keeping any secrets from my wife and tell her about my homemade prostate device. She was upset I was secretive about it but very curious about it. She made me throw it away in fear I would hurt myself with something homemade. However we agreed to pick out a toy for me together. It's very hard and embarrassing to do this with anyone but I am pushing myself to remain open about it and not be secretive.
So my self improvement quest started with visiting the red pill forum on reddit. I found a lot of good advice but also a lot of toxic items that are just not healthy. However that lead me to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which I have found to be incredible. I highly recommend it to every guy even if you don't think you are a nice guy. Since then I have started working out regularly and have been listening to some pod casts about being a better man and trying to apply these to my life. I'm still struggling with porn but I'm making more connections about why, which will hopefully lead to better control over the situation.
I have been working on some other self improvement items which I'll describe a little more below. But that lead me to stop keeping any secrets from my wife and tell her about my homemade prostate device. She was upset I was secretive about it but very curious about it. She made me throw it away in fear I would hurt myself with something homemade. However we agreed to pick out a toy for me together. It's very hard and embarrassing to do this with anyone but I am pushing myself to remain open about it and not be secretive.
So my self improvement quest started with visiting the red pill forum on reddit. I found a lot of good advice but also a lot of toxic items that are just not healthy. However that lead me to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which I have found to be incredible. I highly recommend it to every guy even if you don't think you are a nice guy. Since then I have started working out regularly and have been listening to some pod casts about being a better man and trying to apply these to my life. I'm still struggling with porn but I'm making more connections about why, which will hopefully lead to better control over the situation.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Talking to the doctor
I don't think it was until I first told another person about my issue that I even thought about asking a doctor about my missing orgasm. It wasn't until about ten years later that I finally worked up the courage to bring it up.
So what held me back from bringing it up sooner? I think it was a number of things including:
- Sex taboo, I found it difficult to talk about sex. Guy talk or talk with an intimate partner was fine but discussing a sexual item in front of a stranger was enough to turn me red thinking about it.
- Selfishness, since nothing was physically wrong me it felt like I was some kind of pleasure seeker coming to a doctor who is helping people with real issues.
- Confirming fears, my fear being the doctor might tell me there is nothing that can be done and I am stuck with this condition forever.
I think it was some of the therapy I received for porn addiction that allowed me to look at the situation as I could either potentially gain or stay the same but there is no good reason not to try.
On my first visit I fumbled through trying to explain my condition to the doctor. Not unsurprisingly he had never heard of anything like this. He told me he would research the issue and get back to me. It wasn't until my next yearly physical that I heard anything back after I brought it up again. He referred me to a urologist to check for physical symptoms.
The urologist did a quick exam basically dropping my pants, fondling a bit and saying everything looks good. Just for fun he decided to check my prostate and that appeared normal. So he ordered a blood test to check my hormone levels. Everything came back normal.
At my next physical my primary doc reviewed the results and agreed nothing is physically wrong and if I want to go further I should seek mental counselling from a specialist. So far I can't justify the cost of potentially long term therapy.
On my first visit I fumbled through trying to explain my condition to the doctor. Not unsurprisingly he had never heard of anything like this. He told me he would research the issue and get back to me. It wasn't until my next yearly physical that I heard anything back after I brought it up again. He referred me to a urologist to check for physical symptoms.
The urologist did a quick exam basically dropping my pants, fondling a bit and saying everything looks good. Just for fun he decided to check my prostate and that appeared normal. So he ordered a blood test to check my hormone levels. Everything came back normal.
At my next physical my primary doc reviewed the results and agreed nothing is physically wrong and if I want to go further I should seek mental counselling from a specialist. So far I can't justify the cost of potentially long term therapy.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Felt new feelings after prostate play
I am always hesitant to talk about anal/prostate play because of the homosexual stigma that goes along with it. So I'll state here that yes I have done some anal and prostate play out of curiosity and no I am mot gay or have any homo sexual feelings. Of course there is nothing wrong with being gay but for some reason being a straight man admiting to anal play feels like social suicide. I wish I could get around not and not feel like someone stole my masculinity or am somehow weaker because I put something up my butt.
So anyway with that out of the way I wanted to discuss some past and recent experiences with prostate stimulation. I first started thinking about prostate stimulation as maybe an alternative possible way for me to reach orgasm. Basically I was (and still am) desperate to try anything. At first I tried somethings around the house. I had my best luck with a tool with a small wooden handle. I was able to stimulate myself with that handle until I suddenly started to feel the build up associated with orgasm. It was like I had forgotten the feeling until that point and suddenly remember how it feels. The feeling started in my lower legs and started rising upward, also getting more intense. The rate at which it was increasing was much slower than when I had penis based orgasms and based on this I could somehow tell that if it continued it would be a much longer lasting and stronger orgasm than I had ever felt before. Sadly just as I came to the realisation of what was happening and started getting really excited I might actually feel an orgasm, the feeling faded away. Many successive attemps to repeat this all ended in failure.
Sometime after this and when I was old enough to be living alone I discovered the aneros online. This is a male "health device" and toy that claims to give men super orgasms through prostate massage. With nothing to lose I ordered one and tried it out. I used it on and off over several years with mixed results but no orgasm. Most sessions I would feel nothing at all. Once in a while I would get some feelings that were similar to the orgasm build up but they would always fade away. Other times I would have some physical reactions such as muscle spasms and shaking, and increased heart rate but no good feelings to go along. It was like I could sense the orgasm should be there but without ejaculation to let me know for sure. I continued with the aneros until one day my wife found it, thought it was weird that I secretly used it without her knowledge, and made me throw it out.
That brings me to my recent experience. With no aneros to satisfy my desperate curiosity, I decided to give one of my wifes vibrators a try (with a condom of course). I picked one that is very thin with a slightly larger egg shaped end. I first tried using the vibrate functions but that did not seem to do much for me. So instead I tried a similar tactic to the aneros and just tired to relax with it inside me. After maybe an hour of this and possibly falling in and out of sleep I felt the build up to the beginning of an orgasm. It started feeling really good and may have even gotten to the level of weak orgasm. However it felt like it should have kept getting stronger but it did not. It would actually fade away and cone back several times without ever reaching a climax. My best way to describe it would be if a normal orgasm is climbing a hill than jumping or rolling down the other side, this was climbing most of the way up, then turning around and climbing back down the same side. There was no real peak, no over the edge point or feeling of resolution. To also describe the intensity, if a normal orgasm is listening to music this was like listening to music under water. It was really good but also just a tease.
I will probably keep trying this but I fear my wife will catch me and,the secrecy will hurt our relationship. It unfortunate I don't feel like this is something I can share with her.
So anyway with that out of the way I wanted to discuss some past and recent experiences with prostate stimulation. I first started thinking about prostate stimulation as maybe an alternative possible way for me to reach orgasm. Basically I was (and still am) desperate to try anything. At first I tried somethings around the house. I had my best luck with a tool with a small wooden handle. I was able to stimulate myself with that handle until I suddenly started to feel the build up associated with orgasm. It was like I had forgotten the feeling until that point and suddenly remember how it feels. The feeling started in my lower legs and started rising upward, also getting more intense. The rate at which it was increasing was much slower than when I had penis based orgasms and based on this I could somehow tell that if it continued it would be a much longer lasting and stronger orgasm than I had ever felt before. Sadly just as I came to the realisation of what was happening and started getting really excited I might actually feel an orgasm, the feeling faded away. Many successive attemps to repeat this all ended in failure.
Sometime after this and when I was old enough to be living alone I discovered the aneros online. This is a male "health device" and toy that claims to give men super orgasms through prostate massage. With nothing to lose I ordered one and tried it out. I used it on and off over several years with mixed results but no orgasm. Most sessions I would feel nothing at all. Once in a while I would get some feelings that were similar to the orgasm build up but they would always fade away. Other times I would have some physical reactions such as muscle spasms and shaking, and increased heart rate but no good feelings to go along. It was like I could sense the orgasm should be there but without ejaculation to let me know for sure. I continued with the aneros until one day my wife found it, thought it was weird that I secretly used it without her knowledge, and made me throw it out.
That brings me to my recent experience. With no aneros to satisfy my desperate curiosity, I decided to give one of my wifes vibrators a try (with a condom of course). I picked one that is very thin with a slightly larger egg shaped end. I first tried using the vibrate functions but that did not seem to do much for me. So instead I tried a similar tactic to the aneros and just tired to relax with it inside me. After maybe an hour of this and possibly falling in and out of sleep I felt the build up to the beginning of an orgasm. It started feeling really good and may have even gotten to the level of weak orgasm. However it felt like it should have kept getting stronger but it did not. It would actually fade away and cone back several times without ever reaching a climax. My best way to describe it would be if a normal orgasm is climbing a hill than jumping or rolling down the other side, this was climbing most of the way up, then turning around and climbing back down the same side. There was no real peak, no over the edge point or feeling of resolution. To also describe the intensity, if a normal orgasm is listening to music this was like listening to music under water. It was really good but also just a tease.
I will probably keep trying this but I fear my wife will catch me and,the secrecy will hurt our relationship. It unfortunate I don't feel like this is something I can share with her.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Wellbutrin 300mg
Well after a few weeks on 300mg of wellbutrin I still have not noticed any major improvements. I had one session with my wife where I felt something a little more than normal but still no orgasm. I did notice some small improvement in my mood but nothing significant. I'm going back off of it for now as I don't think it benefits me enough. Back to the drawing board.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Wellbutrin 150mg no effect
Well, after 2 weeks of 150mg once a day I noticed basically no effect. My sex drive seems normal and no new developments in the O department. Now its time to see if 300mg a day does anything.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Trying wellbutrin
I recently read some articles about the sexual side effects of wellbutrin. It seems for some it is a wonder drug that increases their libido and gives them powerful orgasms. So I got up the courage to ask my doctor about this and he agreed it is worth trying. I am starting at 150mg and if that does not work will try 300mg. I am hopeful but not holding my breath that it will do Anything for me.
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