Talking to the doctor

I don't think it was until I first told another person about my issue that I even thought about asking a doctor about my missing orgasm.  It wasn't until about ten years later that I finally worked up the courage to bring it up.

So what held me back from bringing it up sooner?  I think it was a number of things including:

• Sex taboo,  I found it difficult to talk about sex.  Guy talk or talk with an intimate partner was fine but discussing a sexual item in front of a stranger was enough to turn me red thinking about it.
• Selfishness, since nothing was physically wrong me it felt like I was some kind of pleasure seeker coming to a doctor who is helping people with real issues.
• Confirming fears, my fear being the doctor might tell me there is nothing that can be done and I am stuck with this condition forever.

I think it was some of the therapy I received for porn addiction that allowed me to look at the situation as I could either potentially gain or stay the same but there is no good reason not to try.

On my first visit I fumbled through trying to explain my condition to the doctor.  Not unsurprisingly he had never heard of anything like this.  He told me he would research the issue and get back to me.  It wasn't until my next yearly physical that I heard anything back after I brought it up again.  He referred me to a urologist to check for physical symptoms.

The urologist did a quick exam basically dropping my pants, fondling a bit and saying everything looks good.  Just for fun he decided to check my prostate and that appeared normal.  So he ordered a blood test to check my hormone levels.  Everything came back normal.

At my next physical my primary doc reviewed the results and agreed nothing is physically wrong and if I want to go further I should seek mental counselling from a specialist.  So far I can't justify the cost of potentially long term therapy.  

Felt new feelings after prostate play

I am always hesitant to talk about anal/prostate play because of the homosexual stigma that goes along with it.  So I'll state here that yes I have done some anal and prostate play out of curiosity and no I am mot gay or have any homo sexual feelings.  Of course there is nothing wrong with being gay but for some reason being a straight man admiting to anal play feels like social suicide.  I wish I could get around not and not feel like someone stole my masculinity or am somehow weaker because I put something up my butt.

So anyway with that out of the way I wanted to discuss some past and recent experiences with prostate stimulation.  I first started thinking about prostate stimulation as maybe an alternative possible way for me to reach orgasm.  Basically I was (and still am) desperate to try anything.  At first I tried somethings around the house.  I had my best luck with a tool with a small wooden handle.  I was able to stimulate myself with that handle until I suddenly started to feel the build up associated with orgasm.  It was like I had forgotten the feeling until that point and suddenly remember how it feels.  The feeling started in my lower legs and started rising upward, also getting more intense.  The rate at which it was increasing was much slower than when I had penis based orgasms and based on this I could somehow tell that if it continued it would be a much longer lasting and stronger orgasm than I had ever felt before.  Sadly just as I came to the realisation of what was happening and started getting really excited I might actually feel an orgasm, the feeling faded away.  Many successive attemps to repeat this all ended in failure.

Sometime after this and when I was old enough to be living alone I discovered the aneros online.  This is a male "health device" and toy that claims to give men super orgasms through prostate massage.  With nothing to lose I ordered one and tried it out.  I used it on and off over several years with mixed results but no orgasm.  Most sessions I would feel nothing at all.  Once in a while I would get some feelings that were similar to the orgasm build up but they would always fade away.  Other times I would have some physical reactions such as muscle spasms and shaking, and increased heart rate but no good feelings to go along.  It was like I could sense the orgasm should be there but without ejaculation to let me know for sure.  I continued with the aneros until one day my wife found it, thought it was weird that I secretly used it without her knowledge, and made me throw it out.

That brings me to my recent experience.  With no aneros to satisfy my desperate curiosity, I decided to give one of my wifes vibrators a try (with a condom of course).  I picked one that is very thin with a slightly larger egg shaped end.  I first tried using the vibrate functions but that did not seem to do much for me.  So instead I tried a similar tactic to the aneros and just tired to relax with it inside me.  After maybe an hour of this and possibly falling in and out of sleep I felt the build up to the beginning of an orgasm.  It started feeling really good and may have even gotten to the level of weak orgasm.  However it felt like it should have kept getting stronger but it did not.  It would actually fade away and cone back several times without ever reaching a climax.  My best way to describe it would be if a normal orgasm is climbing a hill than jumping or rolling down the other side, this was climbing most of the way up, then turning around and climbing back down the same side. There was no real peak, no over the edge point or feeling of resolution.  To also describe the intensity, if a normal orgasm is listening to music this was like listening to music under water.  It was really good but also just a tease.

I will probably keep trying this but I fear my wife will catch me and,the secrecy will hurt our relationship.  It unfortunate I don't feel like this is something I can share with her.

Wellbutrin 300mg

Well after a few weeks on 300mg of wellbutrin I still have not noticed any major improvements. I had one session with my wife where I felt something a little more than normal but still no orgasm.  I did notice some small improvement in my mood but nothing significant. I'm going back off of it for now as I don't think it benefits me enough.  Back to the drawing board.

Wellbutrin 150mg no effect

Well, after 2 weeks of 150mg once a day I noticed basically no effect.  My sex drive seems normal and no new developments in the O department.  Now its time to see if 300mg a day does anything.

Trying wellbutrin

I recently read some articles about the sexual side effects of wellbutrin.  It seems for some it is a wonder drug that increases their libido and gives them powerful orgasms.  So I got up the courage to ask my doctor about this and he agreed it is worth trying.  I am starting at 150mg and if that does not work will try 300mg.  I am hopeful but not holding my breath that it will do Anything for me.

My misconceptions on women and sex - the nice guy syndrome

What goes through your head when you see a trailer for 50 shades of gray?  If you're a woman are you turned on?  If you're a guy are indifferent, maybe a little jealous of gray?  For me as soon I realize what it is I start to feel physically ill.  The more I see and learn about the story the sicker I feel.

It took me sometime to figure out why I have this reaction.  I boil it down to the shocking realization of everything I was taught about women to be wrong.  I was taught growing up to always respect women and treat them as delicate fragile beings that men are suppose to cater to and worship, and for this we will be rewarded with a woman who loves us.  My parents played some part in this but the majority I learned through tv and movies.  Everytime the overly pushy bad boy was rejected and the sweet romantic boy came in to save her this was reinforced.

Learning about 50 shades was certainly not the first time I've had this type of realization.  The first time I heard and came to understand nice guys finish last was crushing.  I'm sure some are thinking oh no not another nice guy sob story.  While this maybe a sob story I'd also like to fully understand this dynamic.  To get to the bottom of it will hopefully help myself and others to understand why and how to be the person you want to be.

My first real experience with this dynamic was with my first girlfriend.  I had been taught my whole life that making an unwanted advance on a woman is a horrible thing and she may reject you forever.  The worst case of this being she accuses you of rape and suddenly you are total scum in the eyes of society, on the same level as a murderer.  A more rational fear is that I am slapped in the face and called a creep to her friends for making an unwanted advance.  Because of this I found it a very nerve racking experience to make any moves.  It was quite the learning experience for me when she broke up with me saying she felt like we were just friends since I never made any moves.  The worst part was hearing that I could have played with her boobs at any time and I missed out.

Since then I have gotten better about reading what a woman wants and when it's the right time to make a move, but it is still a nerve racking experience.  So what does this have to do with feeling ill over 50 shades?  It's that I have been taught completely wrong how to treat women and what they want.  It reminds me that even though woman may tell me how nice I am or how comfortable they are around me what their subconscious is saying is I am pathetic and not a viable mate.  That reminder makes me sick.  So from now on I am making an effort to be less pathetic.  I am no longer going to live trying to please the women around me.  Instead I am going to live for me.  I am going to concentrate on molding myself into the person I want be, not the pathetic one society  tricked me into being

Today I learned about spontaneous orgasms

Today while feeding my obsession about orgasms I came across this blog post https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201310/the-three-surprising-types-spontaneous-orgasms

While reading the main article I kept feeling extremely jealous of the people who could accomplish this.  Then reading the comments about women waking up in the middle of an incredible orgasm drove me crazy and made me depressed.  However I kept reading and was surprised to see many people talking about having an orgasm in the middle of very stressful situations.  Even more surprising was that this effected men too.  I can imagine for most that orgams in these situations are not pleasant.  Even worse were those complaining of constant unwanted orgasms for no reason.  While a large part of me would trade places with these people in heart beat, I can at least say with my condition I can go on functioning with a normal (although not so pleasureful) life, while this appears to be a truely debilitating condition.  I feel sorry for those in this position and the likely lack of understanding from all those claiming they are lucky.  If you suffer from this would you consider it worse or better than never having an orgasm?

Comparing male and female orgasms

Have you ever thought about what an orgasm feels like for the other sex?  This is something I have wondered about probably since the first time I saw a woman moaning her way to orgasm.  In fact over the years I think I've become mildly obssesed with it. This is probably somewhat driven by my lack of any orgasm. Even though I am not transgeneder I would give just about anything to experience a female body for a day.  Any women or men feel the same about wanting to experience the opposite sex?  I wonder if one gender is more interested in the other.  I have always thought female orgasms were far superior to males but lets explore a bit deeper.

I recognize that orgasm is something that can vary greatly not just between genders but also between individuals and even over time within an individual.  For the purpose of this post I'll be speaking about the overall average for men and women.  However I would love to hear about individual experiences in the comments.

To start with lets take a look at some of the common perceptions of male and female orgasms.

Male Orgasms:

• Easy to acheive
• Can be acheived quickly
• Short duration
• Only one per session
• Usually requires a rest period after
• Generally one type

Female orgasm:

• More difficult to achieve
• Takes longer to acheive
• Lasts longer
• Ability to have multiples 
• Intensity varies
• Multiple types (clitoral, vaginal, g-spot, ect)

Based on these perceptions I think even though it maybe more difficult to acheive, the female orgasm is the clear winner for overall pleasure.  Due to my issue I'm a bit biased but the thought of having a 60 second+ long orgasm sounds better than having 10 of the orgasms I used to feel.  Here is a pretty good visualization that seems to show the perceived difference (sorry does not seem to work on mobile browsers).

Even though the perceptions generally seem fairly clear, the engineer in me says back this up with data.  So upon doing some searching I was surprised to come across this article that shows males and feels are not that different when it comes to orgasm.  I found the method of measurement interesting with only muscle contractions being measured.  I think the conclusion you could draw from this is the physical aspects of orgasm are very similar between men and woman.  However I don't think it at all suggests the experience is the same.  Certainly a big part of the feelings deals with the chemicals released in the brain.  I was also very interested in the comments from several transgender people.  They all seemed to agree that even before any physical surgeries their perception of orgasm changed just by hormone therapy.  I think future studies that could include transgender individuals before and after would be very interesting.

So digging a bit deeper I came across another study that looks at brian waves.  This one suggests that the female orgasm is 10 times more powerful than the male orgasm.  They go as far to say playing back the brian waves of a female orgasm in a male brian could be such a shock it could kill him.  However they don't give any source or reasoning behind this. Without any details of the study I tend to question the results.  I wish a more thorough study of this sort was available.

So in conclusion there seems to be a few minor studies in the area of orgasm comparison, but much more research is needed.  For now I will keep my opinion that female orgasms are more pleasurable and I'll continue to obsess over them.  What do you think?

Intersting insight on social anxiety and porn addiction

I was just doing some reading for a potential future post and came across something that kind of clicked in my head.  I have seen a psychologist regarding my issue with porn and together we determined some of my addiction could be contributed to social anxiety.  The idea is that I would use pornography to escape the feelings of anxiety I would have.  I never even realized the extent of my social anxiety until we dove into it.

While I have always accepted social anxiety as one of the underlying causes porn became addictive to me, watching this youtube video really made it make total sense.  This research suggests the brian completely shuts down the anxiety part of the brain during orgasm.  (assuming this still happens with me even though I feel little pleasure) it would make sense I would seek out this activity to escape my feelings of anxiety.  This is probably true of other feelings as well such as inadequacies or stress.

An explanation of my orgasm issues

In order to fully understand this post it is important to note the difference between ejaculation and orgasm.  While these two most commonly occur together in men it is possible to have one without the other.  You'll find references to orgasm without ejaculation if you search for male multiple orgasms.  Unfortunately as I have learned it is also possible to ejaculate without the accompanying feelings of orgasm.

From the few other men I have heard of having this problem it can be they have never experienced an orgasm or that they used to and cannot anymore.  Some can attribute it to medication, past trama, or other particular event.  For others like me it just kind of went away without any known reason and never came back.  Some can't reach orgasm or ejaculation but others like me ejaculate without the intense pleasure that normally comes with it.

What I used to feel:

I'm not sure when exactly the problem started for me but it was sometime in my late teens.  I first discovered masturbation at an early age, maybe 12.  At that time I was still developing and would reach orgasm with no ejaculation.  The orgasms were intense and pleasurable.  In fact I remember my very first one before I knew what and orgasm was.  I had learned what sex was and thought I would simulate it with my hand to see how it feels.  The feeling was so intense and took me by such surprise that I remember thinking if sex feels that intense I don't want to do it.  Lucky for me I tried again a few days later and learned to love it.

I think my orgasms at that time were normal.  I would get excited, feel the tension and slight buzzing in my crotch building.  My breath and heart rate would increase uncontrollably, and then the feeling would explode.  My whole body would tense up and I'd have involuntary spasms.  If I were to plot the intensity of the feelings on a chart with 1 being a normal day to day feeling and 10 being the most intense orgasm ever, it would look like this.

Ejaculation would occur sometime between reaching 5 and 8.  I would consider when I got to a 3 - 4 to be the point of no return, where no matter what, even I stopped all stimulation, I would continue on to ejaculation and orgasm.

What I feel now:

I can't remember an exact moment when I realized my orgasm was missing.  I do remember a few times as a teen, ejaculating before I orgasmed with the orgasm coming shortly after.  That freaked me out a bit but I never recall thinking hey I didn't orgasm that time.  As far as I know it just kind of fizzled away.  Now my sexual response looks more like this:

As I approach the point of no return I do feel some pleasurable feelings building (for this reason sex is still enjoyable).  However as I get close I don't feel the increase in heart rate and breathing I used to.  As I go over the edge the feeling just kind of fizzles out instead of going to a great peak like it used to.  I sometimes get a few spasms but it is more like when you are tickled in an uncomfortable way and it makes you jerk.

As far as I can remember it has been this way for me since I was 16 years old or younger.  I can remember when I was dating my first real girlfriend thinking to myself maybe I'll reach orgasm again when I finally have sex.  It was a few years later and a different girl before I lost my virginity but still no orgasm (sex is still great).

I've tried many different things over the years (the details of which I'll save for another post) all with no luck.  For anyone out there with the same issues or if you just want to learn more, try searching for anorgasmia and ejaculatory anhedonia.  Have thoughts or questions? Please leave comments.

Introduction

In this post I plan to provide a short introduction to who I am, why I am creating this blog and what I intend to get out of it.


About me:

I am a 32 year old average male living in the Midwestern United States.  I'm college educated with a bachelors degree in engineering,  I'm married, have 1 kid, and I have not felt an orgasm since I was probably 16.  I'm sure someone out there is saying how can you have a kid without having an orgasm.  As it turns out ejaculation and orgasm are two different things.  Physically I function fine but when it comes to feeling those awesome feelings it just kind of fizzles out with me.  The condition is known as anorgasmia or ejaculatory anhedonia.  I'm sure I'll post more about this later.  I'm also a recovering porn addict.  It is quite possible the two are related but again I'll post more later.  I also consider myself a terrible writer so hopefully those interested can bear through it.

Why create this and what I intend to get out of it:

I think the main idea for this blog came when I stumbled across a blog from a female who was documenting her quest to reach orgasm.  In my limited searching I found lots of information discussing female orgasm problems but very little about males (with the exception of premature ejaculation).  I'm hoping by creating this blog I can get some of the many thoughts and possible misconceptions about my own sexuality out of my head and either fix or come to term with my issues.  This things are unfortunately not things I feel comfortable talking to my friends and family about, so thanks to Internet anonymity I will talk about them all openly here.  I don't have great expectations for this blog to be popular or become mainstream, but it would be great if I raise some awareness for others with similar issues and prompt some great discussion.

If you made it this far thanks for sticking with me.  For my first real post I plan to go into detail about my ejaculatory anhedonia.  If you are interested or have questions for me please leave comments.